She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
