I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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