I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
