my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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