you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
