Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
