Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
