I could make wine with my vomit
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
