Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
