you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
