im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
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