I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
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