pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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