so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
