Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
