I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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