Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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