ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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