I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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