I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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