Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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