matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
you have to choose: penises or morals?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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