I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
