haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Randomize
