we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
