You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
