Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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