i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
