Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
