I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
