Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
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