Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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