wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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