I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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