I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
