I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
