I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
