I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
