I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
