I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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