i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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