So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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