he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
did i walk over a car last night?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Randomize
