the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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