I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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