Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
