You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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