why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
