so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
