Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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