I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
We're too hungover to prance.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
