Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
